Self-Transformation Series:
Issue No. 5

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Conquering Fear

1. Importance
2. Nature of Fear
3. How to Handle Fear
4. Preventing Fear in Children

II. Nature of Fear

III. How to Handle Fear

1. Do deep breathing to help handle yourself. The body can paralyze itself or run away as a spontaneous reaction to the fearful situation. Breathing can stabilize and help us gain self-control so we can more effectively handle the situation.

   Example: You are asked to speak in front of people, breathe deeply to calm your nervousness.

2. Adopt a strategy to gradually diminish all forms of fear. Almost all forms of fear are acquired, therefore we can unlearn them. Do it step by step, using your rational mind.
   
   
   • Exposure approach or desensitization: Deliberately expose yourself to what you fear when it is safe.

     Examples:
     Fear of mice - Except for diseases that they carry, mice do not harm people. Start by observing white mice in animal stores. If you wish, try to touch them. They are cute and clean. Houshold mice are just darker cousins of these.

     Fear of public speaking - Start with small trials: talking in front of a committee, to a family gathering, or joining a toastmaster's club.

   • Rational approach: by understanding the fear better.

     Fear of death - Understand the reasons for the fear: whether fear of loss, or dependency, or fear of unknown. If fear of the unknown, then learn more about the facts of the afterlife based on scientific studies.

     Fear of failure - Understand that there is really no such things a permanent failure, only temporary defeat. So long as you have done your best, you should be able to accept the consequences.

   • Preparation approach: Some fears are due to our inability to cope with possible situations, like death of a loved one.

     Example: If fear of death of a loved one is due to dependency, then undertake a plan to be more independent and self-reliant, such as preparing your financial affairs such that if anything happens to either of you, the one who is let behind will not feel helpless.

3. Be in touch with your fear. Awareness of your fear reaction can gradually diminish your automatic response to what you are afraid of.

   Example: When you are afraid of the dark, be in touch with your physical reactions and emotional state. Just be aware without trying to fight it. You will notice that in time it will gradually diminish on its own without you doing anything about it.

1. Avoid threats to children about ghosts, or similar things. Making children do things by making them afraid is very harmful and can diminish future capabilities of the children.

   Example: Scaring children with ghosts in order to persuade to eat will not only make them become afraid of the dark but associate eating with something unpleasant. Hence the approach creates two problems.

   Constantly threatening a child with violence (such as physical punishment) will create either inhibition in the child or create aggression, both of which are unwholesome.

2. Be conscious of your own fears. You tend to transmit your fears to your children. It can be fear of what the neighbors will say, or fear of lizards, etc. The fears of yayas or nurses are also transmitted to the children.

   Example: a mother who has a phobia of lightning hides under the bed whenever there is a thunderstorm. Her three year child similarly developed this response of hiding under the bed whenever it begins to thunder.

3. Discuss with children their fears and work out a program where they can consciously remove them.

   Example: If a child is afraid of spiders, tell them about the difference between harmless spiders and poisonous ones. For tiny, household spiders no bigger than your smallest fingernail, you may wish to demonstrate to your child that the spider can crawl on your arm harmlessly.

   If the child is afraid of the dark, play a game in a dark room that you know he will enjoy. Do not force the situation. Do it gradually and without the child noticing that he is already getting accustomed to the dark.